Being Alone and Being Lonely

Sometimes the festive period makes people who are single feel somewhat envious of those people in relationships as if somehow being in a relationship is the more desirable status.  I hear many times from people, “Christmas would be better if I had someone to share it with. Why can’t I seem to find a man? Will I be single forever?”

The common theme amongst many singles is that they feel by being single, that they have failed in life somehow.

My view on this is totally the opposite. I was in a relationship for nearly 10 years, a good friend of mine single for a good portion of that time. She was envious of me being in a relationship, but here is the thing, I admired her for being single. She met a guy who adored her, but she just couldn’t find a spark so she ended it, another treated her like shit so she got him out of her life. Me, well I was being regularly swore at, made to feel useless, like I was put on the planet to serve him. I was working full time, studying for extra qualifications so that I could earn more (as I wasn’t earning enough in his eyes). I didn’t feel like I could trust him as he would regularly go out with his mates and not come home. He made me feel like I was an idiot for questioning him, he pushed me around, called me disgusting names and I repeatedly waited out each moment until he was nice again. Yes, I stayed in this relationship for 10 whole years, feeling lonelier than many single people will ever feel. You see, I had lost all of myself, I had lost all the things I had enjoyed doing, I had lost all of the friends that were good to me and had moved away from my family. I was making compromise after compromise and sacrifice after sacrifice. I had lost me and when you lose yourself, you become lonelier than ever. Being in a relationship was not the desirable status for me.

I wanted to be my friend. I wanted to be able to live where I wanted to live, do the job I wanted to do, travel to countries that I wanted to see and be free to be me. I admired that she wouldn’t settle for a man that wasn’t right for her, that didn’t treat her right. I admired the way that she seemed so sure of who she was as a person that she knew who was right and wrong for her. Yes she had times when she felt alone and wanted someone to share her life with but being alone and being lonely are two very different things. At least she had herself. I had lost myself.

So my advice to any single people feeling alone and any people feeling lonely within a relationship, firstly sort the relationship out with yourself. Find out who you are;

What do YOU want from life?

Where do YOU want to travel to?

Where do YOU want to live?

What do YOU enjoy doing with your spare time?

What do YOU value from other people?

How do want people to treat YOU?

What qualities in another person would they need to have to enhance YOUR life (not you enhancing theirs)?

Ask yourself these few simple questions and spend some time considering you true answers from the heart. Don’t write what you think you should write, be truthful with yourself. If you are single, then compare how you are living to what you have just put on the list. If you are doing what YOU truly want, it will put you in touch with someone more suited to YOU.

If you are in a relationship and the answers you gave to the above questions are so far from your reality, then you need to consider the state of your relationship. A good partnership with someone will enhance your life, not restrict it. Maybe you need to make some changes.

Maybe you need to make 2016 all about YOU

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