I have always had this sense that I was destined to do something great but could never put my finger on what ‘IT’ was. A childhood of Ballet lessons, shows, exams and auditions ultimately culminated into the fact that a) my parents did not have the money to send me to theatre school and b) I didn’t have the right physique. So my prima ballerina dreams were over.
Next plan was acting. After 4 attempts I got into the Central Television Workshop in Nottingham and went onto star in some BBC and ITV dramas. Despite these being wonderful opportunities, I spent most of the time feeling confused, somewhat bored (there is lots of waiting around on TV film sets) and lonely. As a 17-21 year old, staying on my own in hotel rooms whilst all my friends were going on holiday was not that much fun. Yes I wanted to act, here was my big chance and yet I just felt depressed. I struggled with the attention I got, people who weren’t’ interested in talking to me before, suddenly wanted to know me and it all felt so fake. My confidence started to drop and the work dried up. I was sad when I received a letter from my agent saying that they could no longer represent me. It confirmed a long held belief of mine, that I just wasn’t good enough. However at the same time I was also relieved because success can bring resentment, jealousy and sabotage from other people. I was about 11 when I first experienced it. A parent of one of my dance school friends collared me in the toilets to tell me that ‘I wasn’t as good as I thought I was and that I wasn’t going to get the highest score in this round of exams.’ Yes I was 11 and she was an adult – a school teacher in fact !!! This incident provided me with my first ‘block.’
From that point on, I tried my best not to stand out. Everything seemed to confirm this new belief that ‘I wasn’t as good as I thought I was.’ In reality my acting career had ended because of my own self-sabotage. Instead of doing what I enjoyed, I came up with a million back up plans; getting a degree, running a dance school; refusing to move to London, all so that I would have something to fall back on when the producers and directors realised ‘I wasn’t that good’. In essence I was not focussed on being a great actress, I was more focussed on the back-up plan. And so the back-up plan became my life.
So years later and cutting a long story short, after going through a Divorce (another confirmation that I wasn’t good enough). I needed to put a stop to this mediocre life. I knew deep down I was supposed to be ‘doing something great’.
I stumbled across Coaching and to be honest my life has transformed. Coaching made me aware of the ‘Gremlin’; the ‘you are not as good as you think you are’ that I had taken on when I was 11. And do you know what? I am good….. Great in fact. Coaching gave me the ability to form and maintain a healthy new relationship, get a promotion at work and my finances in order to buy my own house. Since then I have trained as a coach and have gone on to coach people from all over Europe.
So now I have launched North House Coaching and yes I am being ‘coached’ to do it. It is important that I keep those Gremlins at bay because this is ‘It’. This is the thing that I am meant to be doing, and I LOVE IT.