When it comes to ending a relationship or getting a divorce, emotions can be all over the place. You will be putting your anger and frustrations on your ex and them onto you. It is important though to try and work out whose issues belong to whom. A very good friend of mine said to me when I was separating with my ex-
“that is not your issue, it is his and he will take that with him to his next relationship.”
That was one of the most freeing things that was said to me and here is why:
You see my ex was trying to give me a list of reasons why he had cheated on me. I mean he simply didn’t have any choice, I drove him to it. I was too competitive, didn’t clean the house enough, was not a home maker, my family lived too far away and I shouldn’t visit them as much.
Fundamentally he wasn’t happy in the relationship and just didn’t know how to deal with it. You may be reading this and rolling your eyes about him being lame, or aghast at his behaviour but quite frankly what he did and didn’t do is all irrelevant now, because I have been able to let-it-go.
Yes he cheated and did all manner of other things, but none of that changes the fact that he was right, the relationship needed to end and I think I really did not give him any other choice. You see my problem is, I am a ‘fixer’, a ‘problem solver’ and really really do not like to fail. Yes deep down I knew the relationship was over long before we official split, but I just kept trying to fix it. This was often at the expense of my own happiness. I was doing things that I didn’t like, compromising my values and putting up with behaviour from him that I really did not agree with. I was trying to be the cool chilled out girlfriend and he was probably yearning for me to show that I cared, tell him that it was no ok for him to go to a strip club, but I didn’t do any of that. The more I diluted myself, the more he pushed the boundary and the more unhappy I became, so I tried to fix it some more.
And here I was again, after discovering his affair he was listing all ‘my faults’, I was still trying to work out how I could fix it.
And then my friend said to me “These are his issues and not yours”.
In that moment I had a sense of clarity. No matter how much I diluted my values, twisted and turned to tried and be what he wanted me to be, I was never going to be the person to make him happy. Only he could do that and he was projecting all of his unhappiness onto me. Ultimately he was never going to make me happy either and then I knew it was time to let go. As soon as I did, all the pressure went to fix it, I no longer felt worried or anxious and I felt free.
Do I feel a failure? Not at all. Am I angry at him? Nope. His behaviour and my ‘failure to fix it’ has set me free and if you look at it like that, I am a winner !!!!
So if it is time to let-it-go, just do it. You never know what is round the corner. For me it was a gorgeous fella, beautiful daughter and most importantly – happiness.
As a Divorce Coach, I can help you navigate through all the confusions to emerge a stronger more confident you. I offer face to face coaching via Skype internationally or in person in the Cambridgeshire region of the UK. For more information click here . Alternatively you can access my highly recommended online coaching package where the coaching is delivered through a series of modules and via email with me. You can access this here.