Many people may be wondering what divorce feels like, perhaps they are thinking about ending their marriage but are too frightened of dealing with the Big D. If you have never known anyone to Divorce and only seen it on TV or in the news, then perception of a divorce will be full of conflict and drama. Whilst some Divorces do travel down that route, there are other options.
A Divorce will feel exactly as you intend or expect it to feel. If you expect it to be nasty then your actions will reflect someone who is expecting a fight. If you intend your Divorce to be amicable then you will work hard to make it that way. Yes you will experience some pain because your marriage has not been a ‘til-death-do-us-part romance novel’ but the extent at which you feel the hurt, the anger, the sense of loss and pain will be more in your control.
Let me give you an example, you find out your husband has been having an affair for the past 6 months. You confront him and decided to Divorce, do you:
- Burn all his clothes, key his car, throw everything you owned together in the bin and vow that he is not going to get a penny in the Divorce settlement, nor have access to see the children.
- Confront the mistress publicly, write about it all over Facebook, tell everyone who will listen what an arsehole he is, fall out with people who talk to him but let him see the children on alternate weekends and agree to a financial settlement through solicitors
- Cry about it only when you are on your own or with some good friends but do everything possible to re-build your life. Work hard to establish a good routine for the children between you and your ex that provides minimal disruption.
- Tell everyone that you are ok and that you were going to leave him anyway. Start going out drinking every Friday and Saturday night, having one night stands and brag about your great new life all over social media, even telling your children that you are happy and have moved on.
So what doesn’t change in all of the scenarios is the feelings of being hurt by the infidelity. What can change though, is how long you hold onto those feelings for. Looking at the different options – C – is going to be the approach that will get your through the pain quicker. An approach where you deal with your feelings head on with a commitment to move forwards will be the quickest and healthiest way through. It is important to note, than any feelings and thoughts cause an attachment, so even when you feel anger and ‘hate’ towards your ex, you are still emotionally ‘attached.’ When you have truly let go of all feelings, then you are truly free.
So in a nutshell, Divorce will hurt but for how long is down to you and your ex.
If you are thinking about getting a Divorce but want to do it in the least painful way then try this little exercise to get you focussed on the right path:
- Imagine that you are standing 5 years into the future when you no longer feel any hurt or anger towards your ex, how would the relationship be between you now you have divorced and both moved on?
- If you were in your children’s shoes, what would you have wanted them to learn from the Divorce that would stand them in greater stead for forming healthy and happy relationships in their future?
- Write down 3 statements about yourself that you know to be true that are positive in nature. Put them on your mirror and say them out loud every morning and evening. When you feel positive about yourself, you actions will be more positive. Anger, resentment and feelings of revenge come from feelings of low self-esteem.
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