So your divorce date comes through and this gives you a target, a day that this whole mess will all be over – right?
If there is ever a day of anti-climax, this will be one. All through the Divorce process, people hang onto the importance of this day, where they can start to get on with their lives. The problem is that when the day arrives, there is no fan fair, there is no big serenade of accomplishment.
There may be feelings of relief, there may be a sense of a weight being lifted but after about an hour, the sadness will kick in. Not necessarily the weeping in a corner-type sadness, more the sense of loss and a feeling of being lost. No matter how much you have grown to hate your ex by the time you reach your Divorce day, the feeling of loss will be there. This is because the ending of a relationship is very much like a bereavement.
The day you and your ex decide the relationship is over, you will experience emotions akin to the grieving process. A sense of disbelief, anger at the injustice of it, memories of all the good times and then finally acceptance of the loss. Then comes the funeral; the formal process of saying your goodbyes and in this case, the day of your Divorce being finalised. And like so many people find, it is actually the period after a funeral when the sense of loss is really felt. This is no different to Divorce.
When locked in a Divorce process, you are still emotionally attached to one another, you are still having to relate to each other as a couple because the Divorce is about the couple and no one else. It is only really after the Divorce that you will finally start to experience what life is like without the other person in it. Of course if you have children you do still have to relate to each other, but the dynamics of this will be co-parents of the children and not as a couple.
So you have been granted your Divorce – what next?
It really is a new start, it is time when you can make choices for yourself without having to a) ask the other person’s opinion/permission/advice and b) won’t impact on the outcome of your Divorce.
It will be the first time you will be able to make a decision based solely on your own opinion. Do you even know what that is? When we are in relationships with people, we automatically start living our lives defined by the values we have agreed as a couple. These values may have been incongruent with your own core beliefs (which could possibly be a factor in the relationship not working out – but that is another story), so now is time to work out what you truly want and believe in.
Make a list of all the statements about life / humanity / career / travel /religion etc. that you find to be true. Start to uncover what the world and society means to you. From this will emerge some ideas, goals and aspirations for which to use as the basis for starting your new life. Setting goals can be one of the best ways to find some direction and focus in your life when you are feeling lost.
It is time to take control, time to start living.
If you would like to consider Divorce Coaching to help you get through your Divorce or the end of a relationship, find out more here
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